The Mental Gymnastics of 'No' (and 3 Ways to Train Like a Champ)

Let's face it. Nice and always available are not business or branding strategies.

“Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” ~ Paul Coelho

For those of us who grew up with a sense of self-worth engineered through accomplishments and people-pleasing, the act of saying no is consistently a battle.

Remember that time when you got a stellar grade on a group project that show cased your leadership skills and your teacher went above and beyond to share their happiness with you? Or the time you stood out at a middle school theater play and parents showered you with applause/accolade? Ah, the amazing feeling of being recognized, valuable and of use…

Despite writing about it in various forms, reading self-improvement books and even with my own coaching practice — I still realize the ongoing journey of balancing the desire to be a kind person, be a valuable contributor and living a human existence that has limits (which neither of us should want to test the boundaries of anymore). What I’ve learned over the years is that sometimes there is an incredible amount of mental marathons that take place in our minds when we are juggling obligations, things we know we should be pursuing and the celebrated inbound request.

Now this can be in the form of a:

• speaking engagement

• advisory/consulting request

• recruiter pitching you a new role

• invitation to join a podcast

Each of these things are in itself a great thing, don’t get me wrong. You’ve done the hard work of building your body of work, sharing your insights in a number of ways and have cultivated relationships in meaningful circles. Kudos!

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Let’s Retire These Unhealthy Mental Gymnastics

These are the 3 main struggles that I’ve come across and might feel familiar to you.

Forget Me Not

As I mentioned, you’ve done the hard work of building a body of work that resonates with impact and even have the receipts to show for it. However, there is that nagging voice in the back of your head wondering if you won’t be relevant anymore if you pass on this request. In a world of out of sight out of mind, will saying no to this opportunity throw you into a deep graveyard of leaders who let their field down? Will someone else take this and have an overnight success run?

More is Better

Sometimes we feel that the more plates we have spinning, the better outcomes will be for whatever we want to achieve, right? Not everything can be a gem, so you’ll just have to keep saying yes to find the gems? The booked and busy phenomenon can be great for some people but have you even stopped to think about what is truly aligned with your goals? Do you have a rubric for what is a high-yield opportunity as opposed to not? The Booked & Burnt Out t-shirt is not a good look…

The Classic Mean Person

This is where -- to be completely honest -- if you haven’t started a journey around healing from the need to be a people pleaser, it’s going to be rough. One of the hardest parts about saying no isn’t the missed opportunity — it’s the internal dialogue that follows. The voice that whispers, “You’re letting them down.” Or worse, “They won’t be talking to you anymore because they think you’re too good for them.”

This is the legacy of being conditioned to believe our worth is tied to how helpful, agreeable, and accommodating we are. Especially for those of us raised to be the dependable one, the leader, the overachiever (whew!) — saying no can feel like a betrayal of identity.

Here’s the truth: you’re not a unkind person for honoring your capacity. Do I need to say that again? You’re not selfish for choosing discernment. In fact, the kindest thing you can do — for both yourself and the other person — is to show up with clarity. A resentful or overwhelmed yes is far less generous than a loving, honest no.

Transparency: I’ve dropped the ball many times around this concept of clear responses. It does not end well and it jeopardizes relationships.

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The Training Routine

Here are some tactical ways to get some reps in.

The Timeblocker: Making Use of Your Calendar

If you’re willing, go ahead and set up some time on your calendar specifically for people to ask you questions, pick your brain or be a sounding board in general. I’ve called these timeblocks my “office hours” and it essentially helps you to create a container for the requests that have a finite amount of slots. You can easily create the office hours time block via Calendly or whatever scheduling tool you prefer. Set aside an hour or two on a Friday for example -- chop up the time slots in 15 or 20 minute designations and then use the corresponding schedule link to send out to folks where you still want to help but at a high level.

The Bandwidth Artist: Thanks But Unfortunately…

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the answer really is no — no matter how worthy the ask is or how much you like the person. This is where you channel your inner Bandwidth Artist: someone who can politely decline without guilt, and do it in a way that communicates boundaries and preserves the relationship.

You don’t need to over-explain. Have you heard the phrase that no is a complete sentence? You don’t need to list every other thing on your plate. You don’t owe anyone a deep dive into your mental load. What you do need is a gentle but firm script you can remix as needed. Here's a starting point:

“Thanks so much for thinking of me — I’m genuinely honored. Right now, I’m at capacity and not able to take this on. Please do keep me in mind for future opportunities — I always appreciate being in the loop.”

Done. Gracious, clear, and respectful to yourself most of all (this is important to keep in mind -- a healthy internal narrative). Keep a few of these templates in a Notes app or Google Doc for when your people-pleaser reflex starts kicking in.

As a matter of fact, if you comment here on whether this resonated, I’ll reach out and send you my “No” Scripts that I’ve sent to colleagues in the past!

The Resourceful Responder: Sorry…But Resources!

Saying no doesn’t mean you have to slam the door. One of the most generous things you can do is redirect with value. If you’re not the right person or the right time, you can still be helpful — just in a way that protects your energy.

Here are a few of my favorite ways to do this:

• Forward a relevant article or podcast episode

• Make a warm intro to someone in your network

• Sharing a past newsletter or framework you’ve already written some place -- maybe on Linkedin?

Here’s a quick response template to keep in your back pocket:

“I’m so glad you reached out. While I’m not able to say yes to this right now, I wanted to share a couple resources that might be helpful. [Insert links or names]. Wishing you the best with this — and let’s definitely stay connected!”

It keeps the door open without making you the resource. Remember: generosity doesn’t have to equal availability.

The Wrap Up

This week, I invite you to notice where your “yes” is coming from. Is it fear of missing out? A need to prove? Or genuine alignment with your values and goals?

In the next issue of The Intentional Innovator, I’ll be sharing a simple but powerful rubric for deciding which opportunities deserve your energy — especially as you're building a thoughtful brand and a meaningful network.